My Enemy

Let me introduce you to my worst enemy - GAD. What is GAD you may ask? Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I'm going to give you readers a brief rundown with a FEW statistics. I will not shove down so many medical terms and facts down your throat that will make you stop reading. Before I begin, I would like to share my purpose for sharing this post with you. I am so sick of being judged, misunderstood, and tortured. But most importantly, I know some of you are feeling the same way. Before you hit that little "x" in the corner of your browser, just know I am going to be so real and honest in this post. I am not here to bore you, but to inform you with what we GAD diagnosed "freaks" are dealing with.

What is it medically? 
According to WebMD - " Generalized anxiety disorder (or GAD) is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry is often unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships."

What is it personally? 
According to personal experience - It is hell on Earth. I don't have a normal eating pattern. I can't sleep worth a darn; and when I do, I wake up constantly or it's weird hours of the day. I can't make plans with "friends." Heck, I don't even know how to do the whole small talk thing. I struggle every day in class with those nice girls. I can't eat in front of people I barely know even if they're all eating. I can't go a day without feeling hopeless and down.

What does it look like? 
I want you all to watch this video (I can't show you, so this will help with understanding what I am about to talk about) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpRo1Gb1FOg
Having an anxiety disorder is scary. There are moments where I scream like crazy because I feel trapped in myself. It's when I cry in the bed for hours with no explanation. I cancel all plans for the WEEK other than daily responsibilities because I am SO SCARED of leaving the house. I can't tell you all how many times my AMAZING husband has taken me for a drive so I can sing my lungs out while literally sobbing.

It hurts. My brain doesn't provide the chemicals I need to handle every day. I know people who are suffering. If you are suffering you need to get help.

My Personal Experience: 
I have had anxiety disorder since I was four. My parents, the doctors, teachers, even I didn't realize it. I started having really bad stomach pains and major emotional breakdowns when I hit fourteen. The doctors did so many tests on me, my teachers prayed for me, and my parents kept trying to figure out what was wrong. Finally, when I was eighteen we all figured it out - anxiety disorder. Not anxiety, but actual GAD.
I'm a confusing basket case. My sweet husband has taken the time to understand, which first of all, has made this journey so much easier on me. He doesn't judge nor does he hate. He listens and loves (I encourage all of you to take the time to know all you can about GAD like my family and husband).

At first I was uncontrollable. I would harm myself and not even realize it - example: I didn't eat but once a day because I was so sad and confused I completely forgot to eat. I yelled at anyone who told me what to do. I hid in my bed and missed a lot of work because of how sad I was. I missed a lot of classes because I couldn't handle people making fun of me for having anxiety disorders. I stopped hanging out with friends because it took too much effort to go out. I stopped having a passion for photography, and I had no care about goals or anything in life. I would get so mad at the people around me for no reason, and they would have to deal with how I treated them. IT SUCKED. IT WAS AWFUL. IT WAS LITERALLY HELL.

How I'm Overcoming GAD:
I am so sick and fed up with people saying, "I can't help it." YES, YOU CAN. I was seeing a Christian counselor at first. She was nice, but not as experienced as I had hoped for. I stopped seeing her because she was trying to get me to read the Bible to fix it basically. (I'm a Christian, but I believe it was more than a spiritual problem; it is a medical problem.) I then started to see a nice, experienced doctor. He was a good counselor; however, he just wanted to talk through the problems. I did that for about three months. Talking wasn't enough. I went to see a family physician. SHE IS A GIFT SENT FROM GOD. She put me on a medicine that has helped me tremendously! And readers, medicine can't make you perfect. You do not want to be a robot. I still have my bad days. But I AM MAKING PROGRESS. And just that shows me God cares. Having GAD doesn't make you a freak. You just need to figure out how to help yourself.

Blessings,
The Wife.

***If you have any questions please contact me. If you are considering suicide please contact your local doctor/hospital immediately.***